Beyond my control
by staceycity
Summary: EC. This is a one-shot story which continues after the episode 'Smoke gets in your CSI' when Calleigh ends up in hospital the first time. This is the point of you from Eric's perspective as requested by Sissylove 25 :) I know it is not exactly as you requested but a start...will try to do a multi-chapter story eventually. This short story will help me get there ;)


'Hey...are you alright?' Calleigh ask me as she sit down next to me on her couch, handing me a bottle of beer. I look at her and I close my eyes, thanking God that she is alright now, slowly getting back to her normal self.

'I am now that you are okay' I tell her sincerely.

She smiles at me, making my heart melt with that gorgeous smile of hers and I can't help myself. I reach out and cup her cheek, slowly caressing the softness underneath my thumb as I watch her smile and close her eyes.

'What were you thinking about?' she asks me.

'You...everything that happened before you ended up in hospital...' I tell her with a frown. I could feel myself still shaking about the recent events. I don't think I would feel this way if it had happened to me...but it didn't. It happened to her...to the woman I love.

'I'm sorry I scared the shit out of you' she apologize.

'Hey...you didn't put the house on fire' I tell her 'I'm just glad you're okay' I tell her again with a nod.

She places her hand on my thigh and I take a moment to look down at her hand on me and then up into her eyes. She is smiling at me sympathetically. I can see it in her eyes that she wants me to talk to her about how I am feeling and everything that I have been through while she was trying to fight for her life. I focused on her the last two days...the attention was all on her. I kept myself busy all the time even when she slept so that when she woke up, she wouldn't be able to see how still terrified and shaken up I was. This was not about me, but all about her.

'You wanna talk about it?' she asks me.

'I don't want you to feel guilty' I tell her. It was true...but it isn't the only reason. I know that if I start talking to her about it...I start getting emotional, and I am afraid that I will scare her off when she realize how deep my feelings are for her. She knows...I know she knows, that she has known for quite some time now that I have feelings for her, and even though she knew that, and I kind of knew that she has feelings for me too, I was too scared of destroying our friendship to make a move on her, and damn it I almost lost that chance forever.

'It doesn't matter how I feel Eric...I wanna know how you feel...I wanna know what was happening and what I have been through while I was unconscious...I wanna know what you have been through as you watched my life slipping away in front of your eyes' she tells me, her thumb caressing my thigh, her eyes looking straight into mine 'I know it was hard...I know cause I have been there with you. I have watched your life almost slipping away in front of my eyes' she start telling me and I can see her eyes glisten as she remembers what I have been through when I got shot. I watch her swallow hard and then smile at me 'I never felt so helpless in my entire life than in that moment' she tells me.

I could see that it was important for her to know what happened, to know what I have been through, what I am going through right now as we speak, so I nod and take a deep breath 'It all started with Ryan's phone call. He must have found Horatio on another line, so he called me, and he started telling me that the house you were investigating was on fire, that there was a bomb, that the ambulance and fire rescue where on their way and all I could think about at that moment was you. I couldn't listen to anything else that he was saying. All I wanted to know was that you where okay, that you were fine and safe' I start telling her as I turn to look at her 'I wanted to snap my fingers and be there next to you...check you out, make sure that you were fine, see with my own eyes, pull you into my arms and hug you and thank God that you were safe' and at that I get up from the couch. I need to walk. I need to walk as I talk about this.

I feel like...like this shirt is suffocating me, so I open up my top button and try to breathe.

'I got into the hummer and I drove like a mad man and even though the address wasn't too far away, it felt hours, like I would never get to my destination...to you and then when I did...'

 _'Calleigh...Calleigh are you alright?' I asked her as I placed my hands on her shoulders. She was still coughing and I was worried about her._

 _'I'm fine...I'm fine Eric' she replied between coughs._

 _'What happened?' I asked._

 _'Someone started shooting at us, and then there was this explosion...' and Calleigh stopped to cough again 'And the next thing I know, the house is on fire' she told me._

 _'Did you get checked out?' I asked her._

 _'I'm fine Eric I promise' she replied._

'You were nothing but fine and I should have known that' I tell her.

'Eric it is not your fault' she tells me 'I stopped coughing soon after that' she tells me as she looks at me.

'I swear I wanted to keep you under my radar. Something wasn't settling with me. I had this feeling deep in my gut that something was off, that something was about to happen...I couldn't shake it off and then we got into the interrogation room and when you started coughing again, my whole body was on alert. I looked at you scared as this feeling deep inside my gut grew louder as I slowly started to realize that you weren't okay...that that was what I had been feeling off about' I started confessing.

'I looked into your eyes, and I could see that you were struggling, that you were trying not to panic...' and I stop. I stop talking and close my eyes as I hear her say the words _'I can't breathe'._

'It was like...like a nightmare...my worst nightmare coming alive...' I whisper 'I can still see you collapse...feel your body collapse against mine...your head resting against my chest as I hold you and call for help. I can feel the softness of your hair as I push it away from your face...' and I close my eyes again and rest my hand against the wall.

It is like my legs are turning into jelly...my heart is pounding too hard in my chest, too loud in my ears. 'I can feel the wave of panic I felt at that moment, right now...utter terror as I waited for someone to assist you, for the ambulance to arrive...'

'I promise I never left you alone...I held your hand in the ambulance as the nurses worked on you to try and help you breathe, to keep you alive and as the ambulance ran down to the hospital, I prayed...I prayed to God to be with you, to help you get through this, not to take you away from me...' I close my eyes again 'I couldn't lose you...I wouldn't have been able to take it...not you...' I say as I shake my head.

'Why don't you come and sit next to me?' she asks me and I finally look at her. That is when I realize that I hadn't been looking at her. I am not sure if I should sit next to her or not, but my legs are walking on their own accord and I sit next to her on the couch and she takes my hand into hers and smile at me.

'Go on' she whispers as she squeeze my hands for support.

'I jumped out of the ambulance and I saw Alexx running towards us and I swear that at moment, I felt relieved because I knew that she would do anything in her power to save you, that she wouldn't give up on you, that somehow you would know that you were in good hands and that you needed to fight...and then...as soon as we hit the hospital corridors...everything is just...so...hazy...' I say as I look into her eyes 'It is like...like I have snapshots of what was happening. Everything was just happening so fast, I couldn't keep up with it. There were so many people around you...so many nurses and doctors and it was like...like everyone was pushing me aside and I...I wanted to fight them so that I could be next to you, hold your hand, so that you would know I was still there, but I couldn't. Words were coming out of my mouth I couldn't even control myself. I remember telling them to be careful with you...' I tell her 'I know it doesn't make any sense, I know you are tough but at that moment...at that moment you seemed so fragile and I just wanted to take care of you'.

'There were so many monitors and pipes and needles...everywhere I looked, there were needles' I say as I swallow hard, tears filling my eyes 'There was one nurse...she took your hand and inserted a needle and I almost stopped her...'

 _'Hey hey that looks like it hurts' I told the nurse as she inserted the needle to get blood from the artery._

'It's stupid I know...you probably couldn't feel a thing...but I just didn't want anyone hurting you...' I tell her, as I get a flashback of that moment. I feel her hand on my cheek and I realize that tears are slipping down my cheeks...and I look at her and I can see that she has tears of her own.

'Go on...' she encourages me.

'I was just trying to understand what was happening, what they were doing to you...but Alexx practically kicked me out. I...I kept asking her questions so she asked me to leave so she could concentrate. My eyes were on you and someone must have dragged me out. It was like my whole body was numb...I couldn't feel a thing...all I could see was you...'

'I stood from where I could see you but wasn't in the doctor's way...So many thoughts were running through my head at that moment...what if you didn't make it? What if it was so bad...that you wouldn't be you when you woke up? I was so... so scared. I could feel...this little boy crawled down...legs up against his chest as he rested against the wall and he cried and cried...and I could feel myself crying on the inside'.

I stop once again and let my head drop down as I rubbed my face trying to push that image away, tears vanishing in the palm of my hands.

'All I can see is you...on that stretcher...doctors and nurses working on you...it is all I can see...' I whisper heart brokenly.

'Hey...Eric...come here' she tells me, and I look at her and her arms are open and I let myself fall into her arms...my head resting on her chest as she wraps her arms around me and I finally breathe...along with her heartbeat.

'I'm here...I am right here' she whispers in my ears 'I am holding you in my arms and I am safe...safe with you in my arms' she repeats as if to assure me 'The hard part is over' she tells me.

I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to close my eyes and never see that image again...I just wanna forget it...I just wanna forget it ever happened. The woman I love...To see the woman that you love...fighting for her life...no man should ever see that...

I feel her freeze then and I don't know what is happening.

'What did you just say?' she asks me in a whisper and I push up and look at her.

'What did I say?' I ask her. I have no idea...and then I realize...oh shit...I must have said it out loud...

'You just said...that you love me' she whispers and I can see that she is in a total shock 'You just said...that no man should ever see the woman that he loves fight for her life...' she explains 'Eric...are you in love with me?' she asks me and I sit up properly...out of her arms.

My eyes are staring at her, and I can see that she is waiting for an answer just like she waited for an answer when she told me that if I wanted her, I should tell her. I was so worried about how she would react, that I didn't reply immediately and she left confused.

I want to admit it. I want to tell her how I truly feel about her, how I have always felt about her, admit to her how much it pained me when she dated Jake, how jealous I was of him. I want to tell her but I am not sure how she would react. I am not sure if she is up for it.

'Eric' she repeats 'Talk to me...answer me...are you in love with me?' she asks me again.

But what if she can't handle the truth? She has always been fragile when it came to the matters of the heart, why would now be any different?

I look at her, and I can see that she is desperately waiting for an answer and I can't disappoint her and confuse her again...not now.

'Yes' I say as the simple word slip out of my mouth 'Yes I do...I love you Calleigh' I tell her softly and I can see her eyes go wide at the declaration.

'You...you love me?' she asks me.

'I didn't want to say anything, I know it is too soon for you...that is why I didn't want to start talking to you about what happened. I was afraid that the word would slip out of my mouth...that I would get too wrapped up in my emotions...just like I did' I tell her.

It looks like it is her time to hesitate...to pace as she process everything in. I watch her slowly get up and I almost move to help her, but I know that she would flinch at the feel of my touch, so I hold back. She places a hand on her hip while another one run through her beautiful blonde hair. I wanna know what she is thinking, what's going through her head.

Why is it such a surprise? We have known each other for years now, we have been through so much together and we have always been close, we always had each other's backs and even though words were never said...the way we looked into each other's eyes...that secret feeling that I felt we shared...it can't have been all in my head...it just can't be.

'Calleigh...' I whisper and she turns around to look at me 'Talk to me...tell me what you're thinking' I tell her.

'When did this happen?' she asks.

'I don't know...' I reply.

'Have you felt this way for a long time...or is it just now?' she asks me. She is trying to understand, I know that.

I look at her and I know I have to tell her the truth 'I have loved you for a long time...I wanted to tell you so many times...I needed you so many times...but I always held back. I wasn't sure if you felt the same way and I didn't want to say anything. I was scared that if I told you the truth, that if I told you how I felt about you, that I would ruin our friendship, and I couldn't...I just couldn't. At least I had that from you...but after I got shot...you had been so supportive and so caring, that I guess my feelings got unleashed again...' I admit.

'And then I started dating Jake, and you didn't like that...you wouldn't get along with him...' she tells me.

'I thought you deserved better' I reply.

'You mean you' she corrects me.

'Look Calleigh...it is not that I think that I am better than Jake...' I start telling her as I get up and start walking towards her 'But you deserved someone who could be there for you, take care of you, not someone who was always away, someone that wasn't there for you every time you needed him...' I tell her.

'But you always were...you always made sure to stop by when I needed you whether I was with Jake or not...and I always let you...I never felt like I was betraying him by letting you sleep on my couch when he was away' she tells me.

'Nothing ever happened' I remind her.

'But I always knew that you had some sort of feelings for me...I always felt that special connection with you, I always cared deeper for you than I did for others' she tells me with a shrug and I can't help myself but smile.

'I always saw it in your eyes...' she admits.

I was about to ask her if what I always saw deep in her eyes was the same feeling when she startles me.

'What do you see when you look into my eyes?' she asks me, and I know that she can tell that I wasn't expecting that.

It took me a moment but all I had to do remember the many times she looked into my eyes with worry, or the many times she smiled in that beautiful way which always makes her face light up.

'Beauty...a beautiful soul...someone who cares about me so much, who would always have my back no matter what...the way you look at me...no one has ever looked at me in that way Cal...no one smiles at me the way you do...' I tell her as I push a strand of hair behind her ear, as my thumb caress her cheek.

I close the little distance left between us and rest my forehead against hers ' Calleigh I meant what I said in the hospital...I can't imagine my life without you...can you?' I ask her as I look straight into her eyes.

She is looking into my eyes and I can feel my heart melting inside of me and just as I close my eyes I hear her say 'No' and my eyes open 'I can't imagine my life without you' she tells me.

'Calleigh' I whisper in awe.

'Eric...I feel the same way you do' I tells me.

'Calleigh...what are you saying?' I ask her.

I watch her smile at me and then I feel her arms wrap around my neck, and my hands move on their own accord on her hips pulling her closer to me 'I love you too, Eric' she tells me and I swear I want to scream as the words slip out of her gorgeous mouth 'Calleigh' is all I can say and with that I can't hold back any longer. I pull her closer to me and lock my mouth against hers.

She gasps not expecting that but she soon let go, as I feel her melt in my arms, giving me access to her mouth as my tongue slips inside to dance with hers, and God only knows how long I have waited for this moment. I pull away then, ending the kiss with a little one to her lips.

'Eric...why did you stop?' she asked me in a daze.

'Your lungs...you need to breathe' I tell her and she smiles wickedly.

'I mean it was a knock out kiss but you didn't leave me that breathless Delko' she tells me in her playful manner.

I smile at that and I love her so much for it 'Well I plan to leave you breathless next time...when you're all better' I whisper.

'I hope you do' she replies before she starts couching and both our smiles fade away.

'Calleigh...' I say alarmed and she extends her hand holding onto mine.

'I'm fine...I'm fine Eric' she tells me.

'You sure?' I ask her concerned.

'I promise' she replies.

'And I promise you, no more kisses until you heal' I tell her and she chuckles.

'Until I heal...after that you have to make up for it' she tells me.

'That's a promise I intend to keep' I reply 'Now get into bed and rest' I tell her as I kiss her lips.

'On my way' she replies with a smile as she blew me a kiss and I can't help but chuckle as I watch her make her way into her bedroom.

'I love you Calleigh...I promise I always will...and that's a promise I intend to keep' I say.


End file.
